"It certainly does." Travolta later said in a separate interview. "Just because we enjoy having sex with each other and various other men does not mean that we are gay. I love women. They are hotties."

When asked why he was chosen to preside over the event Mr. Bosley reflected back on his days at ABC in the 1970's. "I've known Johnny for quite a long time. Not many people know this but 'Happy Days and 'Welcome Back Kotter' were shot on the same sets. So Johnny was always hanging around our set and I would often visit him on the 'Kotter' set. We used to have some serious sex back in those days. Not that we are gay or anything."

After the ceremony the couple playfully pinched one another on the behind before leaving for an extended honeymoon rumored to be somewhere in Hawaii.

When asked for his comments, Third Guy From The Left said, "I don't understand why this has happened. How could any reasonable person make such a foolish mistake. Don't these people have to take some sort of writing course or something? I mean really. For the love of God why can't these people be more careful. Think of the children who will be traumatized by this."

Third Guy From The Left clearly was hurt and bewildered by the unlikely comparison and continued with these comments, "I mean we are just so different. Now I don't want to disrespect my Boys in the Backstreet because I feel that they are truly a legendary band that will live for all eternity. Of course that is also true of us in NSYNC, but that is where the similarity ends. For one thing we have music that is written by the most accomplished artists the music business has ever known. There music is written by people other than their band members. Our music is dark and mysterious like early Black Sabbath. It is very arty if you know what I mean. Their music is just pure pop garbage. But good pop garbage if you know what I mean. Don't get me wrong. It's just that..."

At this point Third Guy From The Left broke down in tears and was unable to continue.

The native, a Blatant Racial Stereotype, was curiously intrigued by the young Miss Spears flowing hair and slightly tanned but still clearly caucasian skin. The Blatant Racial Stereotype believed that Miss Spears would make an excellent trophy and garner him many great accolades within his tribe.

However, when the Blatant Racial Stereotype dragged the now defunct Miss Spears back to his village he did not receive the praise that he had been expecting. Nor did the Blatant Racial Stereotype receive any of the normal cash prizes awarded for killing a Great Evil White Satan.

It seems that the quickly decaying Miss Spears was doing a promotional charity tour of remote African villages, and was due to play the Blatant Racial Stereotypes village that afternoon. Several teenaged girls within the Blatant Racial Stereotypes tribe became so irate that they threw the Blatant Racial Stereotype into a local river where he was quickly devoured by a hoard of starving piranha.

Britney Spears funeral will be closed casket due to rapid decay that has left behind only two useless lumps of silicone.

When reached for comment the Reverend Jesse Jackson said, "I hate it when those Blatant Racial Stereotypes kill the white women. It just makes us all look bad."

Mr. Schworzinager went on to reveal some of the details of his first ballet project. "I have developed a ballet entitled 'La Predatori' based on my very successful movie 'Predator'. The ballet will be action packed and remain faithful to the film. However, I should make it clear that there will be a minimum of special effects due to the fact that we will be performing live on the stage. All of the blood will be real, so you can imagine the intense training that we will be going through."

Reaction in the Hollywood community to Mr. Scworzeneggir's decision was mixed. Former Conan co-star and mutant freak Grace Jones was thrilled.

"I think it is wonderful." Ms. Jones said. "I know for a fact that Arnold is a wonderful dancer. He used to dance for us constantly on the 'Conan' sets. His pirouettes were so graceful and elegant that you knew that Arnold was throwing his talents away by trying to be a movie star. I'm so happy for him now. Go Arnold!"

The reaction from former 'True Lies' co-star Jamie Lee Curtis was somewhat different. Ms. Curtis had this to say, "It's just friggin stupid. Can you just picture Arnold dancing? It would be enough to make you laugh it weren't so sad. The man is the size of moose. Moose don't dance. Take my word for it, if Arnold continues with this nonsense it will end his career."

Snorkle is the 'Green Planets' equivalent of crack cocaine. The I.B.I. believes that E.T. traveled to the Earth in an attempt to dispose of the Snorkle when he discovered that the I.B.I. had prepared a series of warrants that would allow them to search his property.

Reports from an unnamed source within the I.B.I. state that the cuddly alien is also charged with operating a spacecraft while under the influence of Snorkle. The I.B.I. believes that E.T. became the biggest dealer of Snorkle on the 'Green Planet' as a means of supporting his own habit.

Since this is his first offense most observers believe that E.T. will not receive a long term prison sentence. These observers believe that E.T. will probably be sentenced to six months of suspended jail time with the provision that he seek counseling in a drug treatment facility as well as performing a set amount of community service.

VCR: Hi guys. Lemmy, while it is undeniably true that you are one truly ugly person we were wondering why you would bother to exchange your hideous growths for the hideous growths of Aaron Neville.

Lemmy: Well, to begin with, I don't find Aaron's growth to be at all unattractive. I find that the way it seems to grow right out of his eyebrow to be quite sexy. And I hope that after the transplant it will allow the music of Motorhead to grow in a new direction. For a long time now I've felt that we should either become jazzier or just go country. And besides that I've always had trouble picking up black women. Let me tell you that I've been feeling some of that Jungle Fever for a long time now.

Aaron: Thanks man. My reasons for participating in this transplant are much the same. While I am certainly attached to the creature growing on my head I just think that it is time for a change. And I'll be exchanging my one growth for the multiple growths that Lemmy is sporting. It seems like every time I look at the man, he has something new growing there. And like Lemmy, I would like to move in different direction musically. I've always wanted to be a headbanger. I will miss the black women though. White chicks just don't do it for me even though they do give better oral favors if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean?

VCR: Uh. Yes I think you've been quite clear.

Lemmy: Heh...heh...I know what you mean brother. I think that might be the one thing I miss. Of course I'm married, so I've been missing it for quite a long while anyway.

Aaron: Even birthdays?

Lemmy: Well sure birthdays. But dude, those only come around once a year or so.

Aaron: True. But I guess you can't have everything.

VCR: Well thanks guys. I think we all understand a little better now why you are going through with this procedure.

There is still no known reason why the late Marty Feldman didn't do something about his eyeballs.

VCR: So what have the two of you been up to lately. Any new projects that you can tell us about?

Brad:Well I was brushing my hair the other morning when I had this thought...
Jennifer: Really. What did that feel like?
Brad:Well...It hurt a little bit at first. But then it got better. I sort of enjoyed it actually. I'm hoping to have another thought sometime soon.
Jennifer: I almost had one once, but it went away. I think the hair spray probably filtered into my ear and scared the poor little thing.

VCR: Uh...okay. So are there any new projects that you can tell us about?

Brad: Didn't you hear about my thought? It was really kind of important. At least to me. Oh by the way Jen, the fourth mirror from the left on your side of the bedroom has a bit of a smudge on it. You might want to have Olga take a look at it and do that thing that she does to make it all better.
Jennifer: Oh no! Olga is gone. Some men in bad suits came and took her away in a black van with strange markings on it. Come to think of it...oh my did I just have a thought...they had the same strange markings on their jackets. They said that they were from Immigration and that Olga's papers were not in order. They sent her back to Beirut. I really don't understand what her papers have to do with the way she waters the lawn though.
Brad: Well hell! Now what are we going to do about that mirror?

VCR: Have you considered a little Windex?

Brad: Well sure. But our lawyers keep all of our files in the proper order for us, and how would that help with the mirror anyway? You sure aren't very smart Mister.
Jennifer: Yeah! You're kind of a dummy. Tee Hee.

With that exchange our interview concluded. We still don't know if Brad and Jennifer ever figured out how to clean the mirror.

The most horrible sign of the economic blight had to be the recent sighting of one Fred Flintstone viciously stabbing his beloved pet Velociraptor Dino in the chest until the animal was nothing more than a bloody pulp of steaming dinosaur flesh.

Mr. Flintstone then carried the carcass out to his backyard grill where he proceeded to cook up a large batch of Dino Steaks.

When asked why he had done this he simply said, "A guy gets hungry when he hasn't eaten in almost four hours. What do you expect?" Mr. Flintstones neighbor, Barney Rubble, soon appeared at the backyard fence. Mr. Rubble, apparently attracted by the smell of seared pet flesh, asked Mr. Flintstone if he could have one of the Dino Steaks.

"Go home Rubble," Flintstone bellowed, "Or you'll be next!"

In related Bedrock news the aforementioned Barney Rubble was recently seen at the Bedrock Police Station bailing his wife, Betty, out of the county jail. It seems that Mrs. Rubble, in an effort to raise money for her family, had been forced to turn to prostitution.

Unfortunately, with the high unemployment rates, Mrs. Rubble was unable to make enough money to pay the monthly mortgage bill. She was then forced to attempt to attract customers at the Police Station because the police were the only men still making any money.

Clooney, best known for completely destroying the 'Batman' movie franchise with his appearance in the atrocious 'Batman and Robin' has stated that he would like the opportunity to destroy the 'Plastic Man' franchise with the very first film.

"It would validate everything that I've tried to do up to this point in my carreer." Mr. Clooney was quoted as saying, "I have great affection for all of these great comic book characters, although let me make it perfectly clear that I do not read comic books. None of the people involved in this movie have ever read any of the comic books. That is why we feel that we truly understand the characters and their motivations."

When informed of the decision Mr. Williams seemed unsurprised. "Really, if you think about it, this is long overdue. I was the heart and soul of one of the most popular television series ever. If it weren't for me, weak characters like Arnold and Fonzie would have just seemed laughable."

"And it seems like that damned Opie Cunningham has received all of the attention for the last twenty years!" Mr. Williams said, referring to former 'Happy Days' co-star and Oscar winning Director Ron Howard. "I mean that bald red headed freak left the show at the peak of it's popularity to go and direct a movie about some skanky fish chick. What's the deal with that. Is that what we call art these days? Doesn't he know anything about loyalty. And people just seem to fall all over him. They treat him like some sort of Greek God or something. Well, we all know that if it weren't for me and my almost undescribable talent Ronny Boy would be asking people if they want fries with their shake and wiping grease stains off of his ever growing scalp! Hey speaking of fries and a shake do you think that McDonalds workers get nervous when Michael J. Fox shows up. I mean would you want to ask him if he wants a shake. Man that must be rough. I really feel for those people."

When asked if he resented the success of Ron Howard, Mr. Williams said, "No. Not at all. Ron and I have stayed in touch through all of these years. Any time he needs anything he knows that all he needs to do is pick up the phone and give me a call. I love him like a brother."

Mr. Hasselhoff has long claimed that he is so popular in the former Nazi stronghold that people regularly demand that his televison shows be taken off the air and be shown only in the finest movie theatres. This way the people can show how much they love the star by paying to see work they could see for free. The documents released by by the Germans government reveal that this is pure hogwash.

Mr. Hasselhoff also claims that his albums outsell all other music released in Germany and that he is bigger than the Beatles ever were. When shown a copy of Mr. Hasselhoff's latest CD, ninety-nine people could not identify the star and the one respondent who recognized Mr. Hasselhoff could only identify him as that guy from the 'Bouncy Booby Show'. For all we know he could have been mistaking Mr. Hasselhoff for Benny Hill.

A birth mark on the right buttock of legendary sumo wrestler Foo Ki Yoo was revealed to be none other than Whoopi Goldberg when the birh mark began to spout off a series of obvious and unfunny jokes.

"I always thought that it was just a coincidence." Mr. Yoo stated. "I thought that it was just a hideously ugly birthmark that happened to look like Miss Goldberg. I didn't know that it was actually her."

"But you know, now that I think about it I do have a lot of gaps in my memory that coincide with the films and public appearances that Miss Goldberg has made. Maybe she is able to take control when she has a project. I always thought that I was just a really deep sleeper." Mr. Yoo said as he began to scratch his ass.

"Hey! Get those chubby fingers out of my face!" Whoopi yelled as Mr. Yoo's fingers accidentally slipped inside her nose. "I'll let you know when I have an itch that needs scratching. And whatever you do don't go sitting your blubber butted self down on my face. Whoopi don't swing that way."

"Oh sorry, Miss Whoopi, I didn't mean anything by it. You're just a bit itchy is all." Mr. Yoo said.

"Well, I'll let it go this time Blobzilla. But next time I bite."